The Standards Calculator: Your Personal BS Detector for Dating (and a Laugh Riot)

Hamza
4 min readMay 20, 2024

Hey there, my fellow adventurers in the wild world of romance! If you’ve ever found yourself questioning your sanity while navigating the dating scene, or wondering if your expectations are as realistic as a unicorn riding a rainbow, then buckle up, because I’ve got a game-changer for you: the standards calculator.

Why You Need a Standards Calculator (and a Healthy Dose of Humor)

Let’s be real for a moment. We all have those moments where we daydream about the perfect partner. They’ll be a magnificent blend of Idris Elba’s charm, Oprah’s empathy, and Neil deGrasse Tyson’s ability to explain complex astrophysics while making it sound like a bedtime story.

Then, we stumble back into reality, and it’s like someone swapped our dreamboat for a leaky dinghy. They leave dirty dishes in the sink, think cargo shorts are high fashion, and believe “The Bachelor” is a documentary. Cue the facepalm.

A standards calculator won’t magically transform your dating pool into a parade of flawless specimens. But it can offer a lifeline in the chaotic sea of modern dating by helping you:

  • Unmask your delusions: Are your expectations grounded in reality or the latest rom-com? Let’s find out.
  • Strike a balance: Aim high, but don’t set the bar so high you need a space elevator to reach it.
  • Embrace self-awareness: Know thyself, and thine dating quirks.
  • Laugh at the absurdity: Because, let’s face it, dating can be downright ridiculous sometimes.

Delusion Meter: My Partner in (Dating) Crime

While there are a few standards calculators out there, I’ve developed a deep affection for the Delusion Meter. It’s not just a calculator; it’s a witty, no-holds-barred truth-teller that doesn’t sugarcoat a thing. Here is the image of the calculator:

The Delusion Meter is like that friend who tells you your outfit makes you look like a walking fashion disaster, but does it with so much love and humor that you can’t help but laugh and agree.

How It Works (and How to Keep Your Sanity)

  • Spill the beans: Answer a series of questions about your ideal partner and your current dating experiences. Be brutally honest, even if it means admitting you have a thing for bad puns.
  • Brace yourself for impact: The Delusion Meter will calculate your score and give you a brutally honest assessment of your standards. It might sting a little, but hey, the truth hurts (and sometimes it’s hilarious).
  • Take it with a grain of salt (and a shot of tequila): The score is just a number. It’s not a judgment of your worth or your dating potential. Use it as a tool for self-reflection, not self-flagellation.
  • Adjust your sails: If your score is through the roof, it might be time to lower your expectations a smidge. If it’s in the basement, well, maybe you’re selling yourself short.
  • Remember, it’s all in good fun: The Delusion Meter is designed to make you laugh and think. So don’t take it too seriously. Just enjoy the ride!

Why the Delusion Meter is My Jam

Aside from its sharp wit and brutal honesty, the Delusion Meter has a few features that make it my go-to standards calculator:

  • Customization: You can tailor the questions to your specific dating preferences.
  • Humorous feedback: The results are delivered with a healthy dose of sarcasm and humor.
  • Actionable insights: It doesn’t just tell you you’re delusional; it offers suggestions for how to adjust your expectations.
  • Community aspect: You can share your results with friends and compare your levels of delusion (because misery loves company, right?).

The Bigger Picture: Beyond the Calculator

While a standards calculator can be a valuable tool, remember that it’s just one piece of the puzzle. Finding a compatible partner involves much more than ticking off boxes on a checklist. It’s about chemistry, shared values, and that intangible spark that makes your heart do a happy dance.

So, use the Delusion Meter as a starting point, but don’t let it dictate your dating life. Be open to new experiences, embrace the unexpected, and remember that the most fulfilling relationships often blossom when we least expect them.

A Final Word of Advice

Whether you’re a seasoned dater, a newbie to the scene, or somewhere in between, I encourage you to give the Delusion Meter a whirl. It’s a fun, eye-opening, and potentially life-changing experience (or at least a good laugh).

Remember, the goal isn’t to achieve a perfect score or to mold yourself into someone else’s ideal partner. It’s to embrace your authentic self, warts and all, and to find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.

And if all else fails, just remember: there’s always chocolate, and Netflix.

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